Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Real Threat

I know, Dear Readers, that yours are busy lives and you often are so bogged down in the little calamities of day to day living that you don't have the luxury of stopping to consider the big picture. 

Fear not, I've got it covered.  Since I'm not constrained by having any sort of a real life, I'm able to search the globe, watch the skies, and keep watch over all of you.

A waste of time?  Maybe.

Until I found this:
Giant Balls of Costa Rica

It seems the place is lousy with perfectly round balls of rock.  Archaeologists seem to think they're pretty old, and can't figure out how people made these things with tools available at the time, or how they moved them for that matter.  They've been working on this since the '30s and they're still no further along.

Until now.

The big mistake made up until now was the assumption that people were responsible.  Sure, there was some noise that aliens might have made them.  Bipedal, humanoid aliens.  In other words, space people.

The truth is far simpler, Dear Reader, and far stranger.

Giant dung beetles.

That's right.  These balls are even older than we thought.  They're fossilized dinosaur dung, rolled into perfect spheres by ancient dung beetles, measuring an estimated 40' tall, which would weigh in at somewhere around 6,000 tons.  I know what you're thinking: dung beetles are renowned for their great strength and can move objects several times their own weight.  Surely, a beetle of 40 or 50 pounds could roll these balls which weigh no more than 32,000 pounds.

And you'd be right.  A 50 pound dung beetle would be well able to handle any of these stone balls.  Only, they weren't stone then.  They were poop.  They hadn't yet dehydrated and compressed, never mind the mass loss due to decomposition and... erm, ingestion.  Believe me, I've done the math.  We're talking about 6,000 ton beetles hauling balls 100 times heavier.

Only now, no one can find them.  No remains.  Nothing in the fossil record.  Not a single scrap of evidence.

They're that smart.

Scientists are right in assuming that the creation of these orbs requires advanced mathematical systems.  That's right, superintelligent giant dung beetles with advanced geometry and possibly calculus.  We can't be sure.

It's only 1,600 miles from Costa Rica to Texas.  They've had plenty of time, and we can assume that they're smart enough to evade immigration.  

For all we know, they're already here.

Now, some people will tell you that there's no such thing as giant dung beetles.  Some people, these so-called smart people, claim that there's no need to leap to such outlandish conclusions based on such flimsy evidence.

But can we really afford to take that chance?

That's why I want all of you, each and every one of you, whether you're a proud American or just wish you were, to write to Washington, write to your senator, your representative.  Demand to know what is being done to protect your nation and your excrement from Latin American, superintelligent giant beetles.

What if they're already here and ready to strike?  Can we really afford to be "reasonable" and "sensible"?  Act now, Dear Reader!  Our nation, our world, and yes, our poo may depend on it!

(Top that, Glenn!)