Sunday, May 30, 2010

Stunning New Evidence!

Dear Readers, I know that many of you were more than a little shocked and frightened at yesterday's post: SIMH: The Real Threat where I revealed that superintelligent giant dung beetles from Latin America (or SGDBFLA, for short), possibly from the late Cretaceous period, might be executing an elaborate attack on American interests, values, and fertilizer.

I'm afraid I have more bad news.

Brave loggers in the Amazon have been fending off wild animals, exotic diseases, and assorted treehuggers to uncover startling new evidence of the giant dung beetle invasion.

Scientists Find Ancient Geoglyphs Carved In The Amazon Jungle

Thankfully, these daring explorers have finally leveled enough of this mosquito infested jungle to reveal these so-called geoglyphs, huge tracks laid out on the jungle floor.

So what can we determine from these facts?
1) Whoever is responsible has a command of geometry and an understanding of advanced math.
2) They were able to create trails 40' wide and 12' deep, drawing straight lines hundreds of miles long, creating these huge geometric figures through dense jungle.
3) Until the area was cleared by loggers, these figures were hidden, meaning that we were never meant to see them.

Now if that's not going to convince you that the SGDBFLA are on the march, I don't know what will.

Of course, the academics in their ivory tower have once again leapt to the conclusion that these markings must be man-made.  Blinkered by this misconception, they are unable to see why anyone would go to all this trouble to make such elaborate figures with no clear function.

Will they ever learn?

Clearly, these ancient geoglyphs are only a piece of a much greater puzzle, revealing nothing less than  the SGDBFLA's master plan to take over the world, and in so doing, take over America.  These lines and shapes are the blueprint to the SGDBFLA's invasion strategy.

If we're going to stop this menace, we need to see this blueprint in its entirety, which of course is impossible with all the trees in the way.  We need to chop down every last tree and scrub the Amazon clean.  With the trees gone, and the help of Google Earth, we can finally see what those beetles are up to.

I urge every patriot to take to the streets and demand that we invade Brazil and defoliate like we used to in the good old days.  We have to burn, baby, burn to keep America, and to a lesser extent, the rest of the world, free from these giant insect overlords.  This may be our last, best chance to turn the tide and keep America safe from the SGDBFLA menace.

I urge you, Mr. President.  And you, Rogue Generals and Blaze-of-Glory patriots.  Burn the Amazon.  Turn it to a vast plain of death and ash from which the world may never recover.

Do it for America.  Do it for the flag.  Do it for the children.